Sherby, this one's for you xx

Well I don't know how it happened but it looks like Sherby and I have both forgotten our wedding anniversary again. We don't always remember it. I think we forgot it two years ago, but remembered that last year was our 10th and renewed our vows, and then forgot it again this year. So let's make it two family birthdays and our wedding anniversary that I've forgotten over the past six weeks. Things aren't looking good for the final two birthdays this month people.

Anyway, it was on Sunday and it's funny because although we didn't do anything special on Sunday, I'd said to Sherby that night what a lovely day it had been. I think because it was cold and he had a great fire going and we were all home and happy, it was just a really lovely day.

And then yesterday I remembered, and so did he. He's very good at remembering the date we met too. I remember everything about that day, but not always the date. Are you enjoying this post?

I love how Joan Didion says in her book The Year of Magical Thinking, "Marriage is memory, marriage is time."

Marriage is all sorts of things, but isn't it memory and time?

Love this too, having a good old pash on the dance floor on our wedding day. Felix you will find this so embarrassing, avert your little eyes!

This is what I remember about our wedding day Sherb. I remember being six months pregnant with Felix and crying when I saw my bouquet of roses and tulips for the first time. I remember gorgeous Ruby in her green stripey flower girl dress, the age Clementine is now. I remember saying my vows in Dutch so your parents and family would truly understand my commitment to you without translation. I remember standing in the kitchen of the house we rented at the beach, in my pink wedding dress, while you and I prepared Ruby's meds. Because even though it was our wedding night, she still needed her meds. I remember feeling very safe and loved by you. And I remember dancing our first married dance to our favourite Archie song, the one we used to play all the time in Amsterdam.

This one.

"Hold me darling, till I grow old."
                                          - Archie Roach, Love in the Morning.

Here's to another year darling Sherb. Ik hou van jou vriendje. And a happy birthday to you too xx

weekly stills: a collection

1. Woke up to this adorable sight last week. Wearing the bag that we used for Nan's Mother's Day present, the bag that Nan was not allowed to keep because someone needed it for a hat. What is it with this kid and her hats?
2. Speaking of adorable, just look at these miniature horses. We went along to watch Ruby ride at Riding for the Disabled. She wasn't riding these little guys though. As her Nanny said: "Doo you could tuck one under each arm and carry them!" She totally could too, such is Ruby's strength at the moment. PS: the one on the left is called Buttons. The cuteness. Pa, can you buy us a pony?
3. She wasn't riding this one either, although I know some people who would love to.
4. She was actually on a big horse for the first time instead of a pony, and loved every minute of it.
5. The first load of firewood for the season. Couldn't come soon enough, the weekend has been bitterly cold.
6. Well if we were lighting the fire for the first time we had to light all the candles too.
7. What you're looking at here is my vegie slash herb garden. Potted up in the courtyard away from those pesky skippies. Sherby and I can't agree on where to put raised beds, as every corner of this place is so exposed, so for now they sit up on the courtyard chairs and that fantastic old iron bed back there in whatever container is handy. One day that courtyard will be decked and paved and weed free. Have been saying that for four years!
8. Sunrise this morning. Minus ONE degrees. And don't imagine for a minute that I was out there amongst it all exercising or anything. Too cold for that!

Gosh the weeks fly by. We remembered and celebrated Daisy blossom's birthday, Ruby rode the horses, Felix trained his little soccer-mad heart out, and Clementine found a new hat to love. And I planted leeks and lit candles for my kids. And Sherby worked. As usual. Well someone around here has to right Sherb?

Joining in with Em for another week!

20/52

                                         "Some portraits of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013."

Felix and Clementine:  I took these photos early one morning last week. They've got their own mutual admiration society going on this pair. He loves to give her cuddles and reads to her and they make each other laugh. But I think the very best part of having her as a sister is because she'll play soccer with him. Up and down the hallway. The physio says Clementine needs to practice moving towards the ball, so Felix is making this happen. He calls her "goalie". And she just signs his name all day every day when he's at school, wondering when he'll get home. She signs for Ruby too, and while Ruby loves her and thinks she's quite cute, Felix is the one who will interact with her the most. Ahh, brothers. I always knew he'd be a great one.

Ruby was still asleep while all this was happening. She loves her sleep. And you may notice that Clementine's pink hat is still doing the rounds. Just hanging in there though.

I'm still hanging in there with Jodi's project too, which is a feat in itself! Pop in and have a look at all the lovely pix. You'll be there all day!

Now you are Seven. Hooray!

Daisy when I look at these photos my heart melts. For here we have your big sister Ruby, reading to you.

I feel most days like my memory is mush, but thank God I can remember so clearly taking these photos. It was just the cutest thing walking out and seeing Ruby with her chair pulled up nice and close, one of her favourite books in hand, sitting with Daisy. Was gorgeous. Just goes to show what she takes in; I've always said that Felix learned to read by reading his kindergarten home readers to Daisy, perched on her waterchair while I cooked dinner and we listened to him. Ruby was listening too.

I say this a lot too; usually the day of Milo or Daisy's birthday or anniversary isn't as hard as I think it might be. Usually it's the days surrounding them that are really tough. Today was in many ways really lovely and I think that it was because I had a plan.

We woke to messages from friends and family remembering our darling Daisy blossom which was so touching. Felix and I talked about the day she was born. I told him that his father's first words when she was born were: "She's pink"! And how much we both cried.

Then I took my parents to watch Ruby horse-riding. Her school participates in Riding for the Disabled and every time I see her on a horse I get all teary and she gets giggly. She does not stop smiling. She doesn't squeal or shout out, she sits on her horse Leroy, and smiles with this grin from ear to ear. Two things you need to know about Miss Doo. She's never happier than when riding around in someone's car or sitting on a horse. I giggle just thinking about it. And I needed those giggles today.

And then this afternoon, while I was making brownies for Daisy's birthday cake, I watched the sky come over all grey and stormy. And I just knew what was coming next.

                                                                             A rainbow.

Can you see it right there in the centre?

We all saw it Daisy girl, your aunties, grandparents and cousins and they all sent me the same message: See the rainbow Kell.

Was a precious gift, my baby girl. Thank you. We all loved it.

We loved it just as much as your baby sister loved your birthday cake. Felix asked for brownies for your cake, because Felix will eat cake as long as it's a brownie, and Ruby will eat cake as long as it's cake. And Clementine will just throw her arms in the air and shout hooray!! as long as it has candles.

I was never so happy than on the days my children were born. Daisy girl, on each of your birthdays for the rest of our days, we will always shout Hooray!

Happy birthday Daisy cakes. Love you more than ever. Miss you so very much.

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times...
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
                                                                   - Rabindranath Tagore 

Dancing my Daisy

Of all the days we've ever had,
it is these quiet days that leave me
satisfied the most, when our holy ghosts
have room to dance
between the tea and the toast.
                                              - Between the Tea and The Toast
                                                                    Clare Bowditch and The Feeding Set

I took this photo exactly four years ago today. The day before Daisy's third birthday, when three of my then four children were tucked up in our bed, early in the morning. Well actually Daisy was tucked up in her waterchair, because tucking her in together with Ruby and Felix would have just been trouble all round. They were very gentle with her - especially Ruby Doo who liked to cover her completely with blankets - but Daisy's little tummy could never tolerate being laid down flat and that oxygen mask wouldn't have stayed the distance either. But they used to be always jumping into bed with us in the mornings, and I loved having them in there together. I look at it now and am so grateful I took that photo that day. I love how Ruby's still got all of her hair, because pulling all her hair out hadn't even crossed her mind back then, and I love how Felix looks like he's doing the crossword, but he's actually pretending he can't see the camera. And I love how little Daisy's eyes are kind of open because she knows we are all there.

The words of that song above were a part of the soundtrack to Daisy's life. I can't hear that song without sobbing because it reminds me so much of her. I'd turn off her feeding pump and dance her around the kitchen in our old house singing this to her. I like to think she loved it just as much as I did, but maybe she really thought, oh mummy, I don't really feel well enough for this.

I was reminded of this photo the other morning when Felix, Ruby and Clementine were in and out of our bed. Felix has started popping in early again because he's cold, and Ruby loves lying down with me there too and Clementine just finds it hilarious that we can all be in there together.

But it was the very ordinariness of having them in there that reminded me so much of Daisy. Because for the whole of her life it was the quiet everyday moments that were so sacred to me. Just living. Having our days revolving around the needs of our little children and each other. I look at that photo and that is what I miss so much. I see the little tube of pawpaw ointment for her dry little lips and the thermometer that I sometimes used every hour on the hour, and I can still hear the noises of the feeding pump and the oxygen concentrator. And I can hear her breathe. And it all reminds me of what we've lost.

Our beautiful girl and the life we shared with her. And how much I miss it and miss her.

It's your birthday tomorrow my Daisy blossom. Your seventh. I can't believe it's true. I've been told to have cake and candles and photos of you and balloons. And I'll gladly do all of those things because that's what we'd do if you were here with us. I know you are still here with us.

But I don't know how I'll do any of it without dancing you around the kitchen on your birthday.






    

weekly stills: a collection

1. I love a pink sky in May.
2. Ruby's pumpkin soup. The only way to fill her up after school. And at $1.00kg for pumpkins last week compared to $7.98kg for cauliflowers, it's the cheapest too. Yep, you heard correctly: $7.98. Have made a snap decision to grow my own from now on.
3. Here's my watchdog keeping an eye on the fire out there. 
4. Dawn on Mother's Day, on the way to soccer.
5. Flowers for mummy, from my littlest girl. These might be the final flush of those cute pomponella roses.
6. Spotlight.
7. Since I re-arranged the furniture and cleaned up this room, it's become my new favourite spot in the house. Funny what a bit of a de-clutter can do. Feels like a whole new house now.
8. My Mother's Day presents. Felix made a card and a little gift from school, which made me cry. Clementine planted a pansy in a tiny little pot, and didn't worry in the slightest when mummy drove it home in the car and found soil all over the back seat. And Ruby only gave me hers this morning. A plate of bikkies she made at school, which she won't let me open. They're about 4 days old now, and if left to Ruby, will sit unwrapped till the end of time. She loves presents but not the unwrapping part, dearest girl. Jam drop anyone?

Linking it up with lovely Em again, who's doing some serious multi-tasking over there with her three little ones. Pop over and say hi.

girl stuff

We were sitting together on my bed doing our nails.

I love seeing what she picks up and copies. She's a clever little cookie.

I left her for a minute (she can get off the bed on her own) and when she didn't follow me, I went back into the bedroom and found this little study in concentration.

Here she is saying to her father:  

Don't panic Pa! No little girl nails were painted today! You can stop worrying about chemicals on my skin!

At least until she's six years old. And you can disregard the texta covered hands too Sherb.