prayer

Sometimes I need to go outside and look at the sky. Tonight was very much one of those times.

I think I've crashed a little bit. Was wondering if I might. Four days away from my dear little family and then straight back into a couple of days work, and now today it hit me. Oh gosh I miss Daisy.

Clementine and I had a doctor's appointment this morning, then caught up for a coffee with one of my oldest and dearest friends, then home. Home for a lovely all afternoon-long sleep for my little baby, and an afternoon of aimless wandering for me.

Whenever I feel like this I just try to get busy. So I got stuck into the garage and thought that that might take the edge off. Instead I came across a couple of things which just say Daisy to me. Things that for anyone else would have no meaning, for me they mean all the world.

When I was away last weekend I headed up their hill at sunset to find the sky. I also found this giant Buddha, as tall as me. I found so many gods in and around their stunning gardens that I wondered how I would find my own. Turns out I just needed to get talking. And as usual I'm doing all the talking.

How do I listen? What do I think I'm listening for? 

I found the pink hibiscus on the ground on the way and placed it there as a kind of peace offering. If you had been there, you would have seen my one hand on the giant Buddha's shoulder, and one on my own shaky heart. I gave thanks for where I was right then and all I have. And I prayed for more courage than I have right now.

I cried a lot at Gaia. No surprises there, it was a very cathartic and healing experience in so many ways. But mostly I cried for Ruby. I wondered if I might find Daisy or Milo there, but it was all Ruby. I find it interesting how I kind of compartmentalize my tears. Crying for one child at a time, not usually together. I wonder if I cried for them altogether could my heart cope.

Lately I keep coming back to this photo below. Taken four years ago now on Ruby Doo's 10th birthday. We'd been in this new house only 6 weeks or so. Ruby's in raptures over her cake and all the things birthday means to her. Attention of course. How she loves and deserves all the attention in the whole wide world. My Felix looks so little, so little I can hardly bear it. Too little to say goodbye to his baby sister.

And Daisy bloss is in her signature position. On me. I can feel every part of her here. Her long little legs and how every breath she took was a struggle, so that her little back and chest would just rattle. How her breathing would change with her seizures. How annoying that secretions bag was which was always attached to her tummy button. How long and soft her hair was and how much I loved to tie it up for her. Or just stroke her little baby neck while she lay like that. And always, how warm she was. Precious little thing.

Tonight I'm praying for my memory. That for as long as I live, these memories will too.

Praying for that and still, for courage.